I'm back and dying.... Lots of complaints and loads of stories.... Most are the bad and sucky ones... Sigh.....
I'm in bloody ward 63 and its the craziest and most hectic ward in Singapore ( that's what I heard so far )... I hate the way I do things now.... I hate the way I live things now... I hate practically everything now...
Its so hard to be a nurse and just go to Poly... Most of my friends are going to Poly while I'm bloody stuck.... stuck like a stuck up bitch, stuck like a foot somewhere, stuck like stuck.... How sucky is that? Things doesn't go my way and always never will... Who can I turn to now? Others have problems of their own and mine is getting more and more.... Increasing each and every day and never decrease..... If this is not getting any better, then I will most probably head to Flinder's next year.... Or not next two years...... Or worse try my way in to NAFA Dip in Performing Arts....
I wish I could DO what I want, HAVE what I want and ENJOY the things that I want.... Very Miserable now... really... can't put it to words...
Today Mr Goh even said I lost ALOT of Weight.... Sigh.... There goes the chances of getting fat....I'm so LOST and DISORIENTATED.... I think I may have DEPRESSION.... Maybe not too sure though.....
Helped the new kiddos for the Laos trip today, was a good start, was fun... Made new friends and ate good food... Was hoping for more to come so I can forget my troubles away....
I have been thinking about getting a tattoo but thinking about the needle piercing, I was like having many thoughts about it.... And finally I decided on a temporary tattoo not the one that you buy from a shop and DIY but it is from the tattoist who somehow 'Draw' it onto the skin.... I know its washable but not too sure how washable is it.... Another thing that I am getting is the DARK BLUE contact lens... It is so cool and I hope it goes well with me.... Heheheh... I gotta stop now and will try to continue as much as I can..... Soon.....
Labels: back, dying
.][-Held my bear tightly on
12:10:00 AM
Here I am again after months of disappearing.... Things have been hectic and darn busy. First news on board is that my results sucks. I really did my best but everything just go down the drain. I got 2.8 for my GPA. Fat hope of going to Poly w/o Ward Sister recommendation, as you all know I am a Nurse. Not a fun job at all, and mostly its supposed to be a stepping stone to my future. Just realised that I have been stepped instead of me stepping.
Secondly, I got to know this guy. He's 30 over of age. He's so average but I dunno why I am so into him. Gosh, if only I knew. He's been real sincere. I am like in a love/hate relationship. After 5 years of not being commited, I just really feared everything from the smallest things to the biggest which have yet to come. Wondering, wondering and keeps on wondering.... Is my life going to be over just like that? Simple as ABC but complex like 123???
I began to doubt my capabilities each and every day. I wonder if I will ever survive the years to come and reach my goals like I always wanted. Somehow I felt like my life has come to a fullstop. I am like a black dot in the middle of a drawing board. No one to talk to yet many to tell about...
My ward has a high number of death and OMG I don't even know how to handle it when the time comes.... I will stop for now and will try my best to be back asap.... Muacks!!!
Labels: 2.8, Deadend, Future, GPA, Nurse
.][-Held my bear tightly on
10:08:00 PM
When There Was Me And YouIt's funny when you find yourself
Looking from the outside
I'm standing here but all I want
Is to be over there
Why did I let myself believe
Miracles could happen
Cause now I have to pretend
That I don't really care
I thought you were my fairytale
A dream when I'm not sleeping
A wish upon a star
Thats coming true
But everybody else could tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
When there was me and you
I swore I knew the melody
That I heard you singing
And when you smiled
You made me feel
Like I could sing along
But then you went and changed the words
Now my heart is empty
I'm only left with used-to-be's
Once upon a song
Now I know your not a fairytale
And dreams were meant for sleeping
And wishes on a star
Just don't come true
Cause now even I can tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
Cause I liked the view
When there was me and you
I can't believe that
I could be so blind
It's like you were floating
While I was falling
And I didn't mind
Cause I liked the view
Thought you felt it too
When there was me and you
Gotta Go My Own WayI gotta say what's on my mind
Something about us doesn't seem right these days
Life keeps getting in the way
Whenever we try, somehow the plan is always rearranged
Its so hard to say, but I've gotta do what's best for me
You'll be okay...
I've got to move on and be who I am
I just don't belong here;
I hope you understand
We might find our place in this world someday,
But at least for now,I gotta go my own way.
Don't wanna leave it all behind,
But I get my hopes up and watch them fall everytime
Another color turns to gray
And its just too hard to watch it all slowly fade away.
I'm leaving today cause I've gotta do what's best for me,
You'll be okay..
I've got to move on and be who I am
I just don't belong here;
I hope you understand
We might find our place in this world someday,
But at least for now,I gotta go my own way.
What about us?
What about everything we've been through?
What about trust?
You know I never wanted to hurt you.
And what about me?
What am I supposed to do?
I gotta leave but I'll miss you.
I'll miss you.
So I've got to move on and be who I am.
Why do you have to go?
I just don't belong here
I hope you understand
I'm trying to understand
We might find our place in this world someday
But at least for now
I want you to stay
I wanna go my own way
I've got to move on and be who I am
What about us?
I just don't belong here
I hope you understand
I'm trying to understand
We might find our place in this world someday but at least for now,I've gotta go my own way,I've gotta go my own way,I've gotta go my own way..
Bet On ItEverybody always talking at me
Everybody trying to get in my head
I wanna listen to my own heart talking
I need to count on myself instead
Did you ever
Lose yourself to get what you want
Did you ever
Get on a ride and wanna get off
Did you ever
Push away the ones
You should've held close
Did you ever let go
Did you never not know
I'm not gonna stop
That's who I am
I'll give it all I got
That is my plan
Will I find what I lost
You know you can
Bet on it
Bet on it
Bet on it
Bet on it
I don't need
I wanna make it right
That is the way
To turn my life around
Today is the day
Am I the type of guy
Who means what I say
Bet on it
Bet on it
Bet on it
Bet on it
How will I know
If there's a path worth takin
Should I question every move I make
With all I've lost my heart is breaking
I don't wanna make the same mistake
Did you ever
Doubt your dream will never come true
Did you ever
Blame the world but never blame you
And will never
Try to live a lie again
I don't wanna win this game
If I can't play it my way
I'm not gonna stop
That's who I am
I'll give it all I got
That is my plan
Will I found what I lost
You know you can
Bet on it
Bet on it
Bet on it
Bet on it
I wanna make it right
That is the way
To turn my life around
Today is the day
Am I the type of guy
Who means what I say
Bet on it
Bet on it
Bet on it
Bet on it
Bet on me
Oh hold up
Give me the room to think
Bring it on now
Got to work on my plan
Got to do my own thing
Hold up
It's no good at all
To see self and not recognize your face
Out on my own is such a scary place
Ohhh
The answers are all inside of me
All I gotta do is believe
I'm not gonna stop
Not gonna stop till I get my shot
That's who I am
That's my plan
Will I end up on top
You can
Bet on it
Bet on it
Bet on it
Bet on it
You can
Bet on it
Bet on it
Bet on it
Bet on it
I wanna make it right
That is the way
To turn my life around
Today is the day
Am I the type of guy
Who means what I say
Bet on it
Bet on it
Bet on it
Bet on it
You can bet on me
So these words tells you exactly how I felt lately... It's not easy being me as well as it's not easy being you but being me is more harder than being you... If you get what I mean.... Sp long for now and see you all soon....
Labels: feelings, week
.][-Held my bear tightly on
11:24:00 PM
Hahaha.... I'm not sure if I'm suppose to laugh at myself for believing in his sweet words or to be angry at him for not replying my messages. Damn you, Will White, you promise me that you'll call or text me once you've reached Singapore but I see none, not even replies from MSN. What do you take me for? An automated computer operator or what? You may have all the mesmerising blue eyes in the world but you also have a BLACK heart. You could have told me that you do not want to meet up. I could have accepted that fact but you do not have to go missing like that. Disappear out of the blue. Gone with the wind. I hate to hate you but it really hurts that you just shut the door in front of me without saying goodbye. I can't cry my heart out. My bros are going thru tougher times than me. I can't let all of us be in a depressed mood. At least one have to stay strong. Gosh, I feel so cheated and used.
Attachments starts and things are getting bored for me. Lots af things are coming up. I wish to be free from all the troubles and lead a happy and enjoyable Life. Sad, sad and sad. Nvm see y'all soon. gotta go for now.
.][-Held my bear tightly on
11:30:00 PM
Why do I like to think so far away? Its just so irritating and agitating. Thinking far and cannot achieve what was planned. This really sucks big time. To the MAX. How long will it take for me to stop thinking like this as this trait actually affects my ADLs. Why do I even think this deep? Any benefits? I guess so. Benefits which you know increase my brain capability thus killing and murdering lots of my brain cells. My OWN brain cells.
God, I really need a miracle right now. This moment and this spot. Take me to the place where it fits me. Bring me to the stars which shines brightly and never dies out to help those in need. Keep me busy with Life. Make me so busy that I have not a single second to be busy. Make me do or find stuffs which occupies my time so that I am force to not think about alot of stuffs.
Right now all the things that I want to do seems so wrong, very wrong. It use to be okay and fine. Trying out phases where I think I will actually regret when I get old. As I use to say, all things must try before you gets old and regret for not living your youth to the fullest. Gosh, I'm so lost. Do not know where to head to. Run around and hide behind the bushes? Hides around BIG, FAT and Humongous trees? Or dig a hole and hide my head under? GOD! Damn it , how could I not see these coming? Its getting shit, shitty and shittier by the moment. And bravo accompanied by Panic, Panicky and Panickier. Things are going haywire now, really entangled and mixed up.
With these, I ends today BLOG. Hopefully it is long enough and covers from where I last left it. So I guess all of you can look forward to the upcoming news and stories which either bores you or interest you. Most probably have lots of thinking too. Impressively, wait and see how "beautiful" or "wonderful" my life can gets.
Labels: bad, is, thinking
.][-Held my bear tightly on
1:52:00 PM
Sunday morning at Mama Joanne's house.... Feels lost , blur, dumb and really sad to the core. Do not know why but yea.... I feel like I am distancing myself away from my friends maybe due to the graduatin day coming which I guess will be fast and you would not even notice it... It feels as though history repeats itself.... Having friends and soon they'll be gone and the only ones left are those who troubles you alot... The ones whom you treat like a part of you just move on like leaves being blown in the wind... Its a sad thing to say but thats the
ULTIMATUM truth. I should have actually remain being stuck up since the start of my year, last year. Being friendly just makes things sick, yea true you'll have company for sometime but as days goes by, it'll begins to fade away... God, life is horrible enough for me to stay in and I still have to suffer more.... Not being ungrateful but just stating the facts which is yea true. These are the Phrases that is on my mind right now:-
1. Things gained are things lost.
2.With every deed there's a bad consequences.
3.Without realising, history will always repeat itself.
Could my Life be getting more worse than it is now...? The answers is obviously a big, fat YES... but that is for me to find out and for you people reading this to know, not now but soon. It is raining as I typed these out, cant cry due to being at someones' place so the sky is crying for me... Sad but true.... Logging off for now......
Labels: clouds, Cry, distance, friends, god, lost, sick
.][-Held my bear tightly on
3:20:00 PM
Yea.... Made my first SUCCESSFUL blog skin.... Not too good but manageable....Depressive week but somehow interesting.... Somehow life seems to repeat over and over again as if I never had enough of it... Tomorrow is NAPFA test and hopefully 100 percently I do not need to do it... This is so crazy.... Oh yea I manage to be shortlisted in the Laos trip.... Heard that they will cut down on the people involve but I'm not too sure bout it, I'll just follow the flow. Either way I am happy. I should learn to take things easy for I have been taking things to hard... Effects aren't clear but as time goes by it'll be clear not to me but to others out there who will or will not be my future friends... There's lots of projects and stuffs that needs to be done.... Gosh it is so damn tiring.... I really miss not having to dance like last year.... This have been too fast and too dull... How boring can it be??? Luckily I have my friends whom I treated like my family... Lol... It seems predictable that I'll soon be kicked out of the house for some reason... I have been wondering for the past few day.... Am I childish in a way??? I strongly feels that I'm not cos it's just that when he disturbs me I behaves in that certain manner due to not trying to get pissed off every little moment... Anyway it's late already and I guess I better get moving and head for the sack so yea good nite for now and best of luck to those who'll be taking the NAPFA Test.... Gambatte Minasai....
Labels: blogskin, childish, dance, last year, NAPFA TEST
.][-Held my bear tightly on
11:13:00 PM
